Today marks the first day of the new year. This is the time when you hear all the cliche affirmations and sayings about "starting fresh", "feeling renewed", and proactively making better life choices with everyone's all time favorite, "new year, new me". See me personally, I've never been a big New Year's person even though the celebration aspect of it was always fun and exciting. This year I was feeling a whole different set of emotions, the complete opposite of fun or exciting. Instead I was sad.
It was a strange feeling of sadness, not one that ruined the mood or took away from the day, but the kind of sad that just sits and plucks at your heart strings all day to remind you that it's there when you forget. The whole day I couldn't help but dwell on the things that I felt I was missing, that I still feel like I'm missing. I know it's not good to dwell and that what's meant for me will always be mine, whether we part temporarily or not. But the thing is that concept is so much easier said than done when you feel like you have so much unfinished business with all your unfinished energy just floating around in the universe.
You see, I'm not used to being without things that are "mine" unless our time has run it's course. Many of the feelings a keep a hold may come across to the average person like I just need to get on with my life. And maybe I do, it's hard to answer find a definitive answer to something like that when you think faster than the time it takes you to process your thoughts. The point is that sometimes you feel things in your gut and when you do, you should listen. Being a Pisces woman I'm a firm believer in my own intuition and my psychic abilities, so I take my gut speaking to me as a message from higher powers. There are just certain things you know without any evidence or proof, and no amount of skepticism can shake the faith you have in whatever it is you feel that you know.
I guess once the clock struck 12 and my subconscious acknowledged that it was now a new year, the sadness began to fade sort of. I say I guess because I was still sad, just didn't feel it as strongly. Earlier in the day it bothered me quite a lot. You ever long for something so bad it leaves your chest kinda achey? That was me. But when I accepted that it was a new year a silently scolded myself for being hurt about things that took place in 2015. Granted it had only been like 30 seconds, but I didn't want to dwell, I still don't, but how do you walk away from something that for sure feels like that only right thing you've ever had in your life?
I guess 2015 was the year I had to feel like I lost it all, just to realize how much I already have within myself. Now in 2016, I think the point is to put everything I learned into action. I can't be corny or fake so I won't sit here and fling a bunch of earthy, mother nature, "positive energy only" phrases around because I know there will be plenty of ugly days ahead of me. I know I will slip up with anxiety attacks, crying spells, and episodes of Things Kennie Hates About the World Today. I know that things will only continue to be more of a challenge as I continue to grow and learn my placement in the grand scheme of things. I just want to find a balance. For all the many slip ups I already know I'm going to have, the goal is to find a strength within myself that allows me to crawl out of the depths of darkness before it's too much for any light to get through.
I have a habit of just observing as I slip away into depression until I start to lose my grip. At that point, when it feels like I can't hold on for much longer, I let go. I have thoughts like, who cares, dis tew much, and I don't even have the energy for this shit no more. I let myself get drained way too easy. It takes away from so many things, the main being that it takes me away from myself. I'm not able to be loving and kind to myself. There is no such thing as self care.
On today this first day of 2016 I declare that it is the year of balance for me. But it should also be the year that I practice being more kind and gracious to myself. I may still feel as though 2015 was a year of loss, but that does not mean this year won't bring me way much more to gain. I've already started being more kind by thinking a littler differently about my loss. I always think of my misfortunes as my fault. Whenever something in my life goes wrong, I must be the one to blame. I could have made different choices, sure, but it may not have changed a thing. At the end of the day, I must remind myself, that no matter how miserable or uncomfortable this space in my life is right now, and trust me, it feels all the way wrong, I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.
It was a strange feeling of sadness, not one that ruined the mood or took away from the day, but the kind of sad that just sits and plucks at your heart strings all day to remind you that it's there when you forget. The whole day I couldn't help but dwell on the things that I felt I was missing, that I still feel like I'm missing. I know it's not good to dwell and that what's meant for me will always be mine, whether we part temporarily or not. But the thing is that concept is so much easier said than done when you feel like you have so much unfinished business with all your unfinished energy just floating around in the universe.
You see, I'm not used to being without things that are "mine" unless our time has run it's course. Many of the feelings a keep a hold may come across to the average person like I just need to get on with my life. And maybe I do, it's hard to answer find a definitive answer to something like that when you think faster than the time it takes you to process your thoughts. The point is that sometimes you feel things in your gut and when you do, you should listen. Being a Pisces woman I'm a firm believer in my own intuition and my psychic abilities, so I take my gut speaking to me as a message from higher powers. There are just certain things you know without any evidence or proof, and no amount of skepticism can shake the faith you have in whatever it is you feel that you know.
I guess once the clock struck 12 and my subconscious acknowledged that it was now a new year, the sadness began to fade sort of. I say I guess because I was still sad, just didn't feel it as strongly. Earlier in the day it bothered me quite a lot. You ever long for something so bad it leaves your chest kinda achey? That was me. But when I accepted that it was a new year a silently scolded myself for being hurt about things that took place in 2015. Granted it had only been like 30 seconds, but I didn't want to dwell, I still don't, but how do you walk away from something that for sure feels like that only right thing you've ever had in your life?
I guess 2015 was the year I had to feel like I lost it all, just to realize how much I already have within myself. Now in 2016, I think the point is to put everything I learned into action. I can't be corny or fake so I won't sit here and fling a bunch of earthy, mother nature, "positive energy only" phrases around because I know there will be plenty of ugly days ahead of me. I know I will slip up with anxiety attacks, crying spells, and episodes of Things Kennie Hates About the World Today. I know that things will only continue to be more of a challenge as I continue to grow and learn my placement in the grand scheme of things. I just want to find a balance. For all the many slip ups I already know I'm going to have, the goal is to find a strength within myself that allows me to crawl out of the depths of darkness before it's too much for any light to get through.
I have a habit of just observing as I slip away into depression until I start to lose my grip. At that point, when it feels like I can't hold on for much longer, I let go. I have thoughts like, who cares, dis tew much, and I don't even have the energy for this shit no more. I let myself get drained way too easy. It takes away from so many things, the main being that it takes me away from myself. I'm not able to be loving and kind to myself. There is no such thing as self care.
On today this first day of 2016 I declare that it is the year of balance for me. But it should also be the year that I practice being more kind and gracious to myself. I may still feel as though 2015 was a year of loss, but that does not mean this year won't bring me way much more to gain. I've already started being more kind by thinking a littler differently about my loss. I always think of my misfortunes as my fault. Whenever something in my life goes wrong, I must be the one to blame. I could have made different choices, sure, but it may not have changed a thing. At the end of the day, I must remind myself, that no matter how miserable or uncomfortable this space in my life is right now, and trust me, it feels all the way wrong, I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.
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